Quick Hits From the Emperor Overlord

As Emperor Overlord of the United States, my days are full. I mean really full. You think you’re busy. That’s nothing in comparison. So I try to leave it to the Washington branch to take care of the details, or even leave it up to all y’all to use common sense to fix things. So I can’t begin to convey how miffed I am that I have to take time away from playing Pop Answers on Facebook to deal with this schoolyard stuff.

Piracy

Are you people serious? You can’t figure this out? Secretary Clinton said something about a 17th Century problem and finding 21st Century solutions….like seizing assets.

No.

You invoke the 17th Century solution. You make piracy so dangerous that the pirates stop. You use Predators. You use F-18s. You allow crews to be effectively armed (but no ship-mounted stuff…that makes you a warship and the rules change) with RPGs, microwave guns, whatever. Basically, it’s sink on sight for pirates. Done deal.

Taxes

I pay taxes, too. I hate it. But this tea party crap? Remember the other guy who took the budget surpluses we’d worked hard to set up? Remember when he and his ilk just went and gifted most of it to his corrupt friends and personal vendettas. Where were you? No where. It had to be paid for at some point. So shut up.

Political Sniping

Also, stop the witch hunts when your team loses. It’s the natural cycle. Live with it. Iran-Contra. Whitewater. Whatever. I don’t give a crap. Reds, Blues… you’re both culpable. You just do it because you are whiny babies. Grow up.

Business Salaries

OK. Here’s the corporate formula: founders of companies can make as much as they want. After that, have a list of all the employees of a company sorted by pay. Eliminate from the calculation the lowest paid 10%.  The remaining lowest paid employee’s pay rate times 23 is the maximum total compensation (pay, stocks, etc.) anyone in the company can receive. (That means if the 11% employee is getting $10/hr, for about $20,000/yr; then the highest possible pay in the company would be $460,000/yr. Period.)

Entertainment (athletics, music, acting, etc.) will be more complicated, but I think you see where I’m going with this.

The extra money? Reinvest, pay off shareholders, increase pay… it all pretty much works. (I can’t believe you need to be told this.)

Teenage Sex

Teens are going to have sex. If you adults aren’t willing to personally raise their babies, then give the teens birth control.

Teens (especially young teens), don’t have sex. Just because you can doesn’t mean you must.

Obesity

Proportion you calorie intake to your activity level. If you are gaining weight, eat less and/or move around more. It’s just that simple. Except for the rare medical cases, you are the one responsible. Show people you can handle that even that low level of personal responsibility. (The Emperor Overlord has battled weight his entire life and still has a “normal” BMI. I’m not always happy about not getting to pig out, but I fit in airline seats, I can get clothes off the rack, I’m not hypertensive, or diabetic, and I don’t have heart disease.)

Petroleum Companies

These are the economic pirates. These companies aren’t simple businesses. If they refuse to take personal responsibility for their stake in the national interest, then take away their oil leases. They are lying money-grubbing bastages. They fail the duck test in a major way. (Why do I have to point this out to you?)

Cell Phone Companies

Text messages are essentially free, and you gouge. Stop it. And allowing y’all to let Verizon gobble up the low-priced option? Well, I let that one slip through. My bad.

…and that’s enough. The Emperor Overlord of Southern Asia is IMing me and I really should take it. So, get your houses in order. It’s not that difficult, you’re just making it that way.