Suggestions From The Emperor Overlord Of The United States To The New Hires

It’s hard to find good help. I think that’s true in any business situation. Ever since I was successful in rending my predecessor into six very gory pieces fortunate to find myself seated as Emperor Overlord of the United States, I’ve been urging the firing of idiot minions trying to upgrade my middle-management team. The new hires are now settling into their jobs, so here are a few suggestions to get them started:

Money Management

The malfeasance poor decisions of my former employees left my books an unholy mess. They seemed to be under the impression that if you give a rich man (or a simple poor one) some money that they would know exactly what to do with it. While it made for a really amusing financial collapse that me and my Bombastic Vizier still laugh about, the fact remains that it mucked up a perfectly adequate system.

First off, I want you new people to ensure that the peons (and their businesses) that have behaved responsibly, who have done everything right, aren’t left feeling like schmucks. The people who have faithfully paid their debts, who didn’t assume large loans they couldn’t pay, and who have created good places to work that aren’t based on shuffling hypothetical wealth… they need to be protected if not rewarded for their dilgence. I’m also aware that of a lot of people who’ve worked their work lives and are now trying to live on their hard-earned savings are worried. These are exactly the people we need to assure that their efforts for our nation weren’t in vain.

Now…those insipid banks. You need to rein them in a bit. Banks, like hospitals, need to be part of the national trust. Greed-fees need to be tamed. For example, over-drawn check fees need to be the responsibility of the drafter, not the depositor. The depositor has no idea if a check is good or not and will be struggling from the loss of non-deposited funds and so should not be fined on top of that. Fees like that need to be removed from banking standard practices.

Interest rates need to be fairly reported so that they can be understood by even the lowliest of peons. It’s simple: how much of all of the money to be paid back will be interest? People think they can handle a 6% mortgage over 30 years. After all, 6% is at about the rate that most states charge for sales tax. It’s barely noticed. The fact is, when the full loan amount it calculated, it turns out that about 53% of the money paid by that 6% borrower goes to interest. As a result, the loan needs to be advertised as a 53% loan. People will understand that. That alone should help to bring some sanity to the lending industry.

Speaking of which… I’m seeing banks aren’t lending money anymore. You need to get them to start—or else. Start at the top. You start taking assets from the executive suite to recoup the money you’ve given the banks to get the economy going, things will start moving in the proper direction.

Clothing

I’ve had it with sizes that make no sense. Worse, I hear it from women all the time how not only don’t things fit, but you can’t find anything age-appropriate. So, the new commerce hire, I’m strongly suggesting that you draft some sizing regulations. It doesn’t have to be anything too fancy. For a waist size for a pair of pants (say), have the size be the internal circumference of the fastened trousers in millimeters +/- 1%. Same for just about everything else. Sizing based on millimeters.

I would also want commerce to look at the styles that are available. While fashion trends have their place, all too often people simply looking for something to wear that doesn’t make them look ridiculous becomes a journey with frustration. Low-rise jeans, shants, and other trends of youth are often transient. Despite their fleeting nature, they tend to flood the market to an insane degree. Women complain all the time that with the low-rise trend that they can’t find pants that fit (i.e. sit at the waist). While men have fewer problems, the whole suit/jacket lapel thing needs to have a baseline standard. Oh yeah, and neckties absolutely must be abolished for all except the most formal of affairs.

Jobs

Job creation is going to be tricky. Some of my thankfully axed managers thought that an investment economy would allow people to get wealthy just by sitting on their collective asses. That worked for the wealthy, but for the rest, they need jobs.

The new manager has talked a lot about creating all sorts of national project jobs to help rebuild infrastructure and the like. That’s a pretty good start. I hate seeing otherwise good bridges and water mains and such just crumble from neglect. The trouble is, many of those jobs aren’t for the older workers. This new guy needs to think about job creation for those who no longer have the strong back (or hips, or knees) that will be necessary for those sorts of tasks.

I’d also suggest that more production comes to the country. Outsourcing was a great way for companies to maximize profits, but it really sucked for the workers. The fact is that if you let people earn money, they will spend money. That’s what we want. That needs to be our mind-shift. Hire workers. Pay workers. They’ll buy your stuff and pay taxes (mmm… taxes). Everybody wins.

Education

Here’s something that should be obvious, but so few seem to understand (especially that last bunch of boneheads): we need to teach our kids, not teach at them. I want the children (and adults) to learn and to understand. I want results. Test scores are fine, but they only prove that you know how to take tests.

I want a population that can think and reason. I want a population that can compute in their heads how much change they should get from a cashier. I want a population that can not only understand a Spider-man comic, but also a poem from Amber Tamblyn, or a movie by Frederico Fellini, or a television show by Joss Whedon. It all matters.

Energy and Climate

You can’t talk about energy or climate without combining the two. Effecting one changes how we can deal with the other.

Clearly, solar is the wave. For the short term, I suggest a large-scale project to install solar generation in the sunniest climes. We can build solar farms in the desert. Solar panels on government buildings is a given. Solar panels should also be installed on private homes at no cost to the owners (most of whom are no longer in a position to get the loan, pay the loan, pay up-front, or benefit for any token “tax-break”). All of this installation and panel manufacture will also produce jobs and product, and it will give us the surplus electricity we’ll need to power the coming generation of plug-in cars. More wins.

As for the climate… that will only change as we adjust the atmospheric CO₂. That’s going to take time and international cooperation, both of which are in short supply. There are many countries in equatorial zones that want to “grow”, but can’t be allowed to because we need the trees. There are over-populated countries in Asia that are now starting to belch out carbon dioxide at amounts that were once allowed but can no longer be condoned. They need some new thinking.

For a start, let’s do something like this: energy-efficient water desalinization has to be a priority of research. Without water, all the rest is moot. As a country’s GNP increases, so too must its per-captia emissions of greenhouse gasses decrease. No trading of CO₂ (or methane, or whatever) shares with other countries. We need net gains globally if we are to slow the warming of the planet, and greenhouse trades negate that.

Wildlife habitats must be given equal protection with human interests. Period. Humans aren’t endangered, many other species are. It’s time we start husbanding our own herd before we sacrifice others.

Consideration

Lastly (well, lastly for now… I know you new people are still trying to get your bearings), I want there to be a growing sense of mutual respect. Others’ ways may not be your ways, but that doesn’t mean that they are wrong (or right). Respect the privacy of others, but also understand that privacy isn’t something you can hand out at a real estate office. It’s a personal thing. We teach our children this through the examples we set. Since some will look to the new hires with expectation, I hope they will do credit to the office. It would be nice to have some good role models in there for a change.