Preparing For the Pope Vote

I read the headline: “Cardinals prepare to elect a new pope”. I couldn’t help but wonder if the Reds might steal the series or that maybe the Padres might manage to sneak win in a back-to-back double-header.

Since the only actual qualifications for being named pope are being a baptized Catholic and having a Y chrome, I sit here worried of what might happen since the church never had the foresight to excommunicate me. I don’t much want to have to live in Rome. I have nothing personally against it, but you know the saying “When in Rome…”?, I hate being told what to do. However, if I should win, after I thank the academy, I think my first order of business would have to be to exchange the miter for a definiter, as I don’t want to seem wishy-washy. Second: name David Bowie as a cardinal so we could put on our red shoes and dance the blues. (Yeah, I bet they’re really sorry they didn’t have the foresight to excommunicate me :-)