Musing on…2006 – The Year of Reigns and Reins

I’ve sort of noticed that years have themes of their own…or at least they have for me, recently. 2004 was the year of the broken hands. 2005 was the year of my new family. 2006 has been the year of taking the reigns.

What does that mean, exactly? Well, the dominant theme

, for me, this year has been my dad’s decline. At the start of 2006, he had some trouble speaking, but could eventually stammer out what it was he wanted to say. At year’s end, he is lucky to be able to utter a complete simple sentence in less than a couple of minutes. At the start of 2006, my dad was still driving—at least local to the house—and had freedom to move about. At year’s end he is dependent on family to drive him places, and he now wears a bracelet so that when he wanders off (not if…when; it already happened this past summer) we have a good shot of recovering him before anything tragic happens. Basically it boils down to the fact that this year my dad lost his position of being in charge of the family. That title has now fallen onto me.

This year has been a long one as I’ve been playing catch-up. I’ve had to take on management of my dad’s (and mom’s) finances. I don’t know exactly the reasoning, but my father squirreled away nest eggs in many places, and let me tell you, it’s a job of work to keep tabs on all of them. It probably wouldn’t be so bad if I was only managing that, but I’m also managing my own smorgasbord of finances as well. I’m hopeful that now that tons of permissions and other sundry paperwork have been dealt with, the new year will be easier. The processes have been streamlined and should now work smoother. That’s the plan, anyway.

It’s also been a mixed bag since my dad’s ability to work in and around the house has been decreasing steadily and dramatically. I admit that I took advantage of the fact that he likes to putter about and keep things running. Now that I’m back in charge of my own house, I find that I’m having to get up to speed on the myriad items that need tending to…items that all seem to need several hundred dollars (and more) at a crack. Largely this is my own fault as I was willing to let him do it since he liked it. Now, I’m out of practice. The good news is that I do know how to do everything, having done it before, but getting back into the swing has been annoying. It hasn’t helped that this year the house has decided to be a bit of a snot. Unlike most years, there has been a steady stream of things requiring attention: everything from leaky skylights to a burning wire in our electrical box (yikes!).

Through it all, my one island of joy has been with my other family: the Scotts*. I’m not saying that it’s always an island of sanity, but from my point of view, it’s a place where I can just be CJ, and that alone is a worthy gift. Mary and I had a rough patch there that was based on an always present divergence in shared beliefs, but we seem to have worked our way through it. I’ve been energized by the fact that I’ve bonded better with Tess and Scarlet. We’ve had our own little adventures this year, and I, for one, have embraced those moments. From tattoos, to horses (speaking of handing over reins), to computers, and many text messages, I think it’s fair to say that we’ve been forging the sorts of bonds that will entwine us through our various lifetimes.

The fact of the matter is, I don’t know how I’d have managed to get through this year without all of the Scotts in my life’s plaid. Being allowed to share my love for them with them has been a gift I will try for the rest of my days to repay. I don’t think I convey to them well enough how much they mean to me, how much I love them. That they are there gives me peace when I go to sleep each night, and hope when I awake every morning. Talking with various cousins through the year, they all comment on how I seem so much happier, and how I get this really goofy (good goofy) expression when I talk about Mary and her mom and the girls. I can’t help but wonder if my putting off loving for so long has made me appreciate it all the more now that its found its way to my doorstep.

All-in-all, 2006 has been a difficult and tiring year for me. But I’m not really complaining. It’s an honor and privilege that people look to me when they need help. One of the biggest parts of my being is the need to be useful to others. It’s not always easy, but it’s generally rewarding in and of itself.

What of 2007? I’m going to do something that I don’t think I have ever done in my life: I’m going to make a New Year’s resolution. My resolution for this year is to take time to enjoy the moments that life presents. This past year I’ve been treading water trying to keep from drowning. For 2007, I resolve to find those moments I need to make life more than just existing. An example? For several years, I would try to take time, thirty minutes to a few hours, most days to sit in my backyard and enjoy the nature around me: the warmth of the breeze, the whir of hummingbirds, the chirps of avians inhabiting every tree. This past year I did that maybe two or three times. That dearth of respites is just bad for the spirit. This year, I’m going to force myself to try to find more moments of deliberate enjoyment. (Hey, I don’t get vacations…this is about the best I can hope for.) By doing this, I’m also hoping that the Scotts are more a part of my life than being a needed support when times get bad.

Of course, times are going to get worse. My dad is almost incapable of useful communication, and his ability at even simple tasks is questionable at best. Factor in the stress my mom creates for herself (she has a habit of blowing things out of proportion, at times, and then dwelling on it), and I have two aging people that take a lot of physical and psychological tending. It’s not going to get better for a while. I just hope I can do right by everyone, including myself. I’ve often said, "I live to serve, and I serve to live." That’s simply a statement of fact. As long as I can be useful, and I can find a balance with that and being a little selfish for my own inner peace (and get to continue to love), I think 2007 could be better than I have any right to expect.

(* names have been changed)