Does Anyone Understand Loudspeaker-speak?

I was recently in a store, my items were being checked out and I was putting the already-bagged purchases into my cart. From the store loudspeaker/intercom I hear, “Whllrreerah weegtoe hruna…” and so forth. At least, that’s what it sounded like to me. I had no idea what was going on. The cashier, however, seemed anxious and was hurrying with checking me out. Other customers were quickly and calmly heading to the exits.

I still don’t know what happened.

Loudspeakers and I–and apparently it’s just me–don’t get along. It is rare when I hear anything that’s close to being intelligible from them. So rare, in fact, that I don’t even try anymore. The teacher in Charlie Brown cartoons is more understandable.

What’s odd is that my hearing, especially for someone shoving 50, is rather good. Except for a slight dip around 14.7kHz, it’s about the same as someone in their twenties. I’ve never gone to concerts. I don’t listen to music at a high volume. I wear ear protection whenever I use power tools or the kitchen blender (dang, that sucker is loud). And yet, if there happens to be a “Blue-light Special”, or a “Rollback”, or player introductions at a basketball game I might as well be listening to white noise.

Of course there are many factors involved. All too often, the announcer is too close and too loud to the microphone and introduces a lot of distortion. There are echoes and other audio delays that mess with sound fidelity. And yet people still derive meaning from them. The common factor is that they understand, but I don’t. We can therefore deduce that the problem rests with me.

I’ve never been good with understanding people in crowds. Even a dinner party can thwart me if a second–never mind a third–conversation is going on. So I focus on my co-participant’s mouth and read their lips to help me out–which, I’m certain, makes them self-conscious about their mouth. I’ve done that for as long as I can remember. For some reason, my brain just doesn’t filter out the background “noise” so I can focus on the conversation at hand. This despite my hearing being fine in all other respects. It’s like I’m trying to listen to the phone with my right ear (I listen with my left ear because comprehension there is easy; with my right, it takes focus).

So, when y’all are out and about and a message come through some P.A. system, I’m astonished that you can make sense out of it. I’m equally impressed that you can be in a restaurant, a ball game, a dance, next to traffic, or whatever and be able to hold a conversation with someone who isn’t talking directly into your ear. You are all so amazing, I can’t tell ya.