I Want to Write For Joss Whedon’s Terminator

An Open Letter to the soon-to-be Terminator Owner, Joss Whedon, From a Very Important Writer in His Mother’s Estimation

Dear Sir/Ma’am,

I am CJ Carter. The writer who has committed such works as Carved in Stone, Maid Maleen, and Life’s Funner on the Beach (not to be confused with that other beach movie script, The Longest Day) as well as dozens, if not hundreds, of pages of other typed word usages. I have read on the Interweb that you’ve made a more than generous preemptive bid to acquire the Terminator franchise. As you are certain to shame all others with your audacity, boldness, and really snappy choice in footwear, I feel compelled to offer my services to write every single word of this franchise (punctuation may cost extra).

When I read about the incredible amount you were offering, my first thought was that you wouldn’t be able to afford hiring anyone to write it (what with you being an idea man and all, I knew you wouldn’t want to have to lower yourself to pen actual words). Then I realized, I’m writing an entire season of the series for no financial gain whatsoever now, and thus I think I may be able to fit into your budget. It’s clear from your letter that we share a vision (I promise to get my own eyeglasses once I’m attached to this franchise). A vision to break Terminator out from its familiar formula to create new life so Together We Would RULE THE WORLD AS…. sorry. To create a new vehicle and themes that would attract new audiences to this very special universe.

1) The Terminator’s Big Adventure! It turns out that the Terminators aren’t out to destroy the world. It’s just that their bicycles are missing and they’re a little cranky. So they search, and search, and search, and the world gets nuked, and search, and search–all the while having adventures and maybe even some romance. I see it as a family picture.

2) More Glau. Hey. There’s a reason they’re called “Summer” movies. (I told you…two heads, one brain. Spooky.)

3) Can you say pantomime? Now…now I know you did a mostly silent episode for that art-house series you did, but I have something that’s so totally new, you’ll hire me before I get to #4: Pantomime…but with words. (I know!)

4) Did I mention that there would be more Summer Glau?

5) Since, all too often, Terminator can get so “out there” that people don’t believe the stories, I propose ripping off being inspired by today’s headlines. What if John Connor was experimenting in his backyard only to discover that the balloon he was working on was a Terminator? John disappears and the evil balloon flies away? Think of the public anxiety from not knowing what happens to John? THAT, my successful franchise winner, is true, reality-life drama that will pack the theaters and is sure to get so much B.O. that I’ll be swimming in the effluential wealth earned from my net points.

6) The movie would not only be ice-cold cool, but so would the merchandise, the TV shows and sequels, and, perhaps more important than anything else… the awards.

I could go on for hours and hours and pages and pages. Maybe not about this, but certainly about

uh…

Anyway. I think you understand my sincere desperation in saying this to you. After all, I won’t lick just anyone’s boot–not that you’re wearing a boot…or two (don’t ask how I know), but it’s a writer’s trick called a bad analogy. You see, I’m a pro; I know these things. Once you get the first page or two from my people after a few weeks, you’ll see that you’ve wasted no money with choosing me.

Please drop me a line once you’ve secured ownership, and I’ll make it my job in life to humbly write you the best words ever offered up to a CREATIVE GOD WHOSE LIKE HAS NEVER BEFORE BEEN WITNESSED. I’ll even give you absolute strong reasonable assurance that those words will be about the Terminator. I look forward to working with you soon.

Sincerely,

CJ Carter