The Closets We ALL Live In

It’s so funny. People think that only those out of the mainstream can “come out of the closet”. But what does that phrase actually mean? It means that a secret that could affect your life in a profound way is being revealed. If we are honest with ourselves, I think amazingly few of us (if any) can claim to not have something about ourselves that we’d rather others not know.

What many people don’t seem to realize is that it’s secrets that define us. There are our personal secrets where we are the center of attention. There are the secrets we are told. Then there are the choices we make as to whom we share some of our secrets. See…lots of people might think their closet is empty, but it’s actually quite full.

The purest secret is the one only you know about yourself. Often these are the most personally damaging because we let the fear connected with the secret keep us trapped inside the closet of our mind.

Most secrets, though, are shared. Sometimes they are shared overtly with friends, family, a blog, a psychologist, or whatever. The point is, that a shared secret is one that is more easily handled. Amazingly, the magnitude of the secret is always greater with the originator. For example, I’ve been witness to GLBT coming outs, to faith revelations, to substance-abuse confessions—these disclosures being both public and private. While I have seen some rare shunning, and a pretty fair amount of initial awkwardness, in short order it seems that nothing at all happened except some truth coming out. I think this is due to most people being compassionate of those they care for, and also a sort of understanding that if only we had enough courage, we’d be sharing as well.

The thing is, most of our secrets aren’t private, unto ourselves only, hidden away in our secure closet spaces. Most events had witnesses. At the very least, the observant people who know you best likely have already inferred the truth.

See, that’s one of the biggest things about hiding our “dirty laundry”, as it were, in our closet. We do let people in. The question is who, exactly, and with what? We all deal with it. We’re told something that shouldn’t be spread. It’s also the case that whomever you confide in likely has a confidant as well. You sort of have to assume that people will find out. If you choose your people well, the secrets of the closet will be compartmentalized among a very small group.

See, that’s the confounding thing about secrets: they must be shared, but they must also be kept. Trustworthiness is a faith that certain things won’t be shared outside of the inner circle of those allowed access to, and peeks into, the closet.

I understand this because I’m just like you. I have secrets that only a few select people know. I have secrets that are so boring even I don’t want to know them. I carry the confidences of many, and to my knowledge I’ve never broken those. I don’t think there’s anything about me that someone, somewhere, hasn’t heard. It’s just that it’s really scattered. So, as closets go, it’s a pretty interesting mix. Lots of stuff from others, but a fair amount of my own.

Like all y’all, I’m defined by the closet that surrounds me. Will it ever get a full airing out? Maybe. Someday. Honestly, hardly anyone will care about my stuff, but I hang onto it all because it’s mine. But, like most of you all, I hold back because there is always that tiny chance that something in the closet will change for the worse a relationship you treasure. The trouble is, once you fling open the door, it can never really be closed again.

Humans are social animals. We struggle with finding a balance between openness and privacy. Trust lives in both aspects even though they are seemingly opposites. But we found a way to survive. We allow each and every person to have a little closet space to tuck away their exclusive knowledge. We still have some trouble sometimes when people drag something out into the light, but it seems that some societies (ours included) are getting better with that.

I think these closets are important. As long as they don’t create a worse situation (some PTSDs, for example), people need that place in their lives where they feel safe.

But what about when you throw the door open? What then? Well…truth and honesty get to brought out into the light. It might not be unvarnished truth and complete honesty, but whatever…they still emerge from the closed-off space like a bowling ball rolling off a top shelf. There will undoubtedly be consequences. It might be a lot of noise as it bounces around, or there could be damage as the ball cracks the floor or shatters.

Like I said, while I’ve seen some bad results, mostly what I’ve witnessed has been not only good, but something that caused some thriving to go on. Being tied to the closet has a tendency to hobble us. That’s not always a bad thing…there is wisdom in the idea of looking before leaping.

The great thing is that the people who truly matter in your life will still be with you in either case. They will accept you and your closet whether the door is open or not. Those that have a problem with it one way or the other…well, you’ll have to decide how to handle that. Sometimes a closed-door policy is best, sometimes not. Everyone’s circumstance is different. Just remember, even if you swing the door wide, there will still be some detritus that lingers. No closest, once used, can ever truly be emptied.