Enterprise 0119 – Acquisition

Originally posted to ScoopMe! on March 27, 2002

LEAD-IN

Acquisition : Never Ask When You Can Take

The Ferengi make their presence felt… about 213 years early.

SYNOPSIS

Acquisition

[Note: up until the time the translator starts working, the Ferengi speak only in Ferengi.]

Then Enterprise is adrift in space. A Ferengi ship finds it and docks.

Two Ferengi (Muk and Krem), armed and wearing breathing masks, scout out the interior of Enterprise — which is littered with unconscious Enterprise crewmen who were knocked out suddenly where ever they were: walking the corridors, eating in the mess, tending duties. It’s apparent that the crew are an unknown species to these Ferengi. In Engineering, they come across a device that’s top is open and is venting gas. Krem reaches to close it, but is stopped — Muk closes it instead. Krem finds T’Pol, and her ears immediately fascinate him. One their way to the bridge, they take some readings and then remove their masks.

Tucker wakes up in the decontamination chamber. He’s been in there more than long enough and he wants the doctor to let him out. Unfortunately, Phlox is “out” himself in sickbay. Tucker shorts some circuits in a wall unit to unlock the doors so he can leave. As he walks the corridors in his underwear, he finds a fallen crewman — then more in a turbolift.

The remaining two Ferengi, Ulis (the commander) and Grish, leave the Ferengi ship with sacks and trolleys.

After finding Phlox unconscious, Tucker hides as Muk and Krem enter sickbay and start looting. Tucker finds his way out of sickbay but must hide again as Ulis and Grish push a torpedo-laden trolley through the corridor.

General looting throughout the ship continues. Krem makes a special point of selecting T’Pol. In a cargo bay, it turns out that not only have the invaders been collecting anything that hasn’t been nailed down, but also all of the women (I count seven, which includes Hoshi and T’Pol).

In engineering, Trip activates a monitor and sees the Ferengi taking Archer off the bridge. They take him to the launch bay, chain him to a handhold, and inject him with a reviving agent. After some moments, the Ferengi translator kicks in. They want to know where the vault is. Archer doesn’t know what they’re talking about — he just wants them to take what they want and leave. Trip spies all of this. When Archer hears that the Ferengi want to sell the females into slavery — seems the six in the bay are the ones that would fetch the best price. Archer then puts on his poker face — he’ll tell them where the vault is as long as he gets to keep some of the gold. Ulis is tempted, but rejects the offer. He’ll find the vault himself. He leaves Krem to load the collected merchandise into the ship — or rather have Krem force Archer to load the Ferengi ship for him.

Archer engages Krem in conversation — getting to know his enemy, and then trying to sow the seeds of discontent. Archer sees that Trip is also awake and coaxes Krem to go off for some water and some food. Krem, not a complete dolt, chains up Archer before leaving. Trip can’t free Archer. They still don’t know what species these aliens are, but they’ve already cleaned out all fourteen weapons lockers. The hypospray used to wake Archer is still in launch bay two — Trip needs to use it to wake more help.

Trip finds the hypospray and wakes T’Pol. She’s disoriented and taken aback that Trip is in his underroos. As Trip tries to wake Hoshi (empty hypospray), he updates T’Pol. Seems that Trip is the one who brought back the gas canister that the Ferengi closed earlier. Trip hides and T’Pol plays possum when Archer and Krem return. Krem is very interested in T’Pol. Archer says that she’s a Vulcan, and then bad mouths her in an effort to through a bucket of cold water on Krem. Trouble is, he only has eyes for her lobes.

Trip gets some clothes on. Ulis, Muk, and Grish argue in sickbay — they’ve had no success finding the vault and Muk is not happy. He no longer wants to share the loot — what he finds is his. On the bridge, Muk has acquired a nice little pile. When T’Pol activates a distracting noise, she manages to make Muk think the others are stealing from him. Muk is very not happy as they go off to the Captain’s cabin — which is where Ulis keeps his latinum.

In engineering, Krem prompts Archer to remove an antimatter injector. While he does so, Archer continues sowing the seeds of discontent. He offers Krem half the gold and the Ferengi ship in exchange for help capturing his associates. After thinking about it, and with the Vulcan female added to the pot, Krem reluctantly declines.

Grish tries to get Porthos to tell him where the vault is. Convinced that Porthos is a lower life form, despite the size of his ears, Muk takes him as a zoo specimen as they all leave the cabin. While Muk stashes the dog, he discovers Trip lurking about. A brief chase ensues before Trip is captured.

In the launch bay, Archer sees that T’Pol is missing, and does his best to distract Krem. The other Ferengi enter with the captive Tucker. Grish and Muk want to leave — if Tucker is awake, then maybe others are, too. Ulis won’t leave without the contents of the vault. Guns are pulled. Trip says he’ll show them the vault as long as they leave the women, specifically his wife Hoshi, out of it. Archer plays along. They argue. Archer offers gold in exchange for Hoshi. Trip jumps Archer, forcing the Ferengi to break it up.

The Ferengi buy it, and Trip leads them out — except for Krem who has to finish loading the merchandise — without Archer who feigns an injury. Needless to say, Trip is leading his group on a snipe hunt.

Krem isn’t happy about the current situation. He’s surprised when T’Pol comes aboard the Ferengi ship. She claims that she’s a captive on Enterprise. She gives him oo-mox. While she strokes his lobes, she takes the opportunity to give him a neck pinch, and to swipe his handcuff key. Before she leaves, she grabs a phase pistol.

Trip continues leading his wild goose chase. The Ferengi are starting to suspect Tucker. They were right — he leads them into a trap where T’Pol is lying in wait to stun them. Back in the launch bay, T’Pol gives Archer a hard time about what he said earlier. Enough of a hard time that Archer has to order her to unlock the handcuffs.

Under close supervision, the Ferengi return all of the things they took.

Archer tells Krem that if his ship (or possibly the Ferengi) comes within a light year of either Vulcan or Starfleet ships again, they’ll pay. The other Ferengi crew are shackled. Krem takes the opportunity and runs with it. It’s his ship now.

FADE OUT

ANALYSIS

Satisfaction is not guaranteed — Rule of Acquisition #19

The Ferengi, the Wile E. Coyotes of the Trek universe, begin their history with Starfleet (NOTE: see TI&Q below) with a quartet of hyper-pinnal opportunists seeking to reap the rewards of one of their snares.

The Ferengi have to be truly amazed at Starfleet stupidity. An otherwise unspectacular device is brought on board a starship where it is to be examined outside of quarantine. The ship apparently has no sensors to monitor atmospheric purity, and no mechanism to isolate ventilation to one part of the ship. The evidence indicates that air from engineering can make it to all corners of the ship so quickly that no one notices that crew aren’t manning their stations. Heaven help them if they have a plasma leak.

But I’m nit-picking. Not that there isn’t a lot to pick at with this episode. Still, much like a Road Runner cartoon, if you ignore the things that obviously make no sense, you can be entertained and have some laughs.

Females and finances don’t mix. — Rule of Acquisition #94

From what we’ve seen of Ferengi, if the paranoia of business doesn’t rule your heart, then your lobes do. Oh sure, they talk a good game, but between business and sex — well, let’s just say that gold-pressed latinum doesn’t give good oo-mox. Even Grand Nagus Zek succumbed.

Krem is played a lot like DS9’s Rom, except with a pinch more spine. His motivation isn’t business, it’s family and ultimately love. The moment his eyes find T’Pol’s lobes, he’s a goner. She didn’t even have to give him the famous neck pinch. After her brief oo-mox, she could have told him to hop on one leg and bark like a dog… a large dog… and he would have done it.

The thing that surprised me was Krem’s loyalty. Even when Archer offered him half the gold in the vault AND the Vulcan female, Krem still sided with his cousin. At first he came off as weak, but that guy has some lobes. He believes his cousin is looking out for his best interests — despite the sixth Rule of Acquisition, and in spite of the fact that Archer has been working on him constantly.

The same cannot be said of the greedy Trio of Ulis, Muk, and Grish. Ulis completely fixates on the vault that must be on the ship. He’s so convinced of this that Archer, and later Trip, have little trouble conning him that one indeed exists. Though played to comedic effect, this is actually amazingly profound. It speaks to how dangerous it can be to assume that your ways are the same as the ways of others.

Ferengi seem to have trouble understanding that other cultures aren’t as driven by greed and profit as they are. The same can be said of many of the business people that are churned out by the MBA mills around the world. Having enough to be secure, but not so much as to again become insecure, is not a concept that finds easy purchase. Ask, and you may be given; take and you will be scorned — but if you take, then you are more likely to have more; and more, for lack of a better word, is good.

A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all. — Rule of Acquisition #18

Ultimately, it’s this compulsion for more, this greed, that dooms the band of looters. Ulis can’t even imagine that there wouldn’t be a vault. Leading him into a trap was so easy it was laughable. Muk and Grish each had their misgivings, and both were willing to take their profits and run. But in the end the promise of even greater profits was too much to ignore, and so they too went off in search of Ulis’ gold and instead got a stunning reception.

A deal is a deal … until a better one comes along. — Rule of Acquisition #16

Ironically, it was Krem, the one Ferengi who actually learned anything at all about Hew-manns, that profited. While governed by the cultural need to acquire, he professed that he didn’t have the lobes for business. Still, when given the opportunity to squirm out from under his cousin’s thumb and take possession of the spaceship, he knew to take advantage of the situation.

I can’t help but wonder if this was a catalytic moment that makes him more traditionally Ferengi, or is a bar mitzvah of sorts but he still retains the heart of Rom, who was always a better lover than a businessman. Given his reaction to T’Pol, I’m guessing the later — and good for him.

TIDBITS, IRKS, and QUIRKS

Why wasn’t Porthos affected by the anesthesia? If anything, he should have OD’d.

• Krem says that “Expand or die,” is the forty-fifth Rule of Acquisition — it is given as the ninety-fifth rule in the Voyager episode “False Profits”. (You’d really expect the ST offices to have these codified, ya know?)
• T’Pol giving Archer a hard time was classic. Who says Vulcans don’t have a sense of humor?
• “…If we succeed in this chase, it will be Starfleet’s first look at a lifeform [Ferengi] which, discounting rumor, we know almost nothing about.” Jean-Luc Picard “The Last Outpost” — TNG season 1, episode 5. I could go on for pages about this continuity gaff, but I ranted last week. Still, this HUGE YATI (Yet Another Trek Inconsistency) is a problem for me.
• Why did none of the Ferengi comment on the fact that the females were “made to wear clothes”?
• Even in heavy Ferengi makeup, Clint Howard still looks like Clint Howard. Weird.
• Is Trip running around in his undies some sort of equalizer for either Hoshi or T’Pol doing the same at some point?
• “There are times I wish Vulcans hadn’t learned to repress their violent tendencies.” T’Pol after having her lobes fondled by Krem — best line of the episode.

So what did y’all think of the episode? Relatively coherent word assemblies are always welcome on the message board.